Dream A Little Dream of Me

I am someone who dreams every night and day dreams as well. And rarely when i wake up in the morning am I truly affected by what I had dreamt. This dream obviously affected me I had to sit down and write it and in a matter of speaking dissect it. I am a very strong person emotionally. I do not let my emotions get in the way of basically anything. I deal with them differently and privately and mostly through my writing. Sometimes I have trouble verbalizing myself but, when I sit down pen in hand my emotions pour out like faucet. I also am someone who is very comfortable being alone. I used to be afraid of being alone. That was one of my greatest fears to end up alone. So I decided to face that fear head on and just be single for awhile and warm up the the idea . I thought that if I did that I wouldn't choose the wrong man to settle down with (if that opportunity presents itself) because of the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. Silly I know. But, it just me. Now I am completely comfortable being single and being a table of one. OK back to this dream

In my dream I had this man who was the love of my life. I was so happy, I held his hand and kissed him and never wanted to let him go. I needed him by my side in order to feel complete. This was strange to me because I haven't felt like that about someone in a very long time and I surly never have been one to display pda. But, with this man my guard was down. I was vulnerable and I didn't care. I was open to love and gave him everything my heart had. I was so happy and he was so happy. Then he went into the World Trade Center and at that moment I knew what was going to happen. I ran toward the building knowing that the plane was going to strike. I had to be with him. My life wouldn't make sense without him. And at the end I lost him. I lost the love of my life. But, I searched and tried to get to him and didn't run away.

In the dream I wasn't upset that I let my guard down and was open to love because, at least I got to love someone and be loved by someone if just for a little while. My heart was broken but still full of the memories I had.

So I figure it's time for me to be open to the opportunity that there is someone out there that is going to love me fore me and allow me to be vulnerable without using that against me. Because "It is better to have loved and lost then to never loved at all." I just found it weird that a dream had to wake me up to the idea of LOVE.

The Waiting Room Of Life......

People ask me all the time about the choices I make and the way my life is going. I pretend like I have all the answers. For If I look like I have any doubts I'm afraid that people will start to doubt me. So here goes.....

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the waiting room of life. A little lost just waiting to find my own direction. It's tough because you are unsure of which path to take. What if you choose the wrong one? What if you waste your time going down something you felt was the right path? It just gets frustrating when you go down these paths alone. You have to muster up the courage to not give up and keep going and remind yourself why you are doing this.

There are days when I do want to quit and go to something more familiar. Go do something "normal" with my life. Go out, meet someone, get married, have my white picket fence and three kids and a dog playing in the yard. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with that lifestyle I think its wonderful. And part of me wants a snipped of that "normalcy" but, which part do I want? I know I want the family part. It's what's most appealing to me. I want someday to have a house filled with noise, laughter and all be it chaos. I want a close knit family.

But, I myself want to lead by example. To show my children if you have a dream, desire and down right need you must follow it. Even if it goes against what society might coin as "Normal". If you are lucky enough to have figured out what you want to be when you grow up you better go for it. That desire better be just setting your heart on fire and make you crazy if you don't do it. Because without that passion, fire and drive you will surrender. You will give in and just take the easy rout. The art of just getting by. The are of existing and not really living. I want to show them that people are going to tell you "NO" or "You will never succeed, or do that" doesn't mean you have to listen. Unless it's the parents saying no to something completely immoral.

So, I guess if you find yourself in the waiting room of life just bursting at the seams make your presence known. Make the journey and waiting as fun and as educational as possible. For I have found in the waiting we receive humble patience. So when the opportunity of a path presents itself you will have humble courage and extreme desire to walk that path alone hand in hand with God.