TRUST YOUR JOURNEY!

* This has been something that I had been writing for over a year.  Thought for my resolution I would start writing again so here she goes.....

Why do we fear what is inevitable?  Everyone fears things that are going to happen anyway for example  people fear death.  It's going to happen so why are we fearing it instead of living our life? 

I feel like I could explode with everything that I have not written down or even tried to communicate lately.  As most people know about me I am an introvert with my feelings and an extrovert everywhere else.  My private life is mine and I hold it close to me.  Well she's about to burst over here so here we go. My life had taken many crazy turns in these months or year since I have last written.  It truly is funny where paths can take you even if you have no intentions of going in that direction.  Where I left off there was a darkness that I didn't want to give into.  I no longer fear that darkness for it will always be a part of me.  I am aware that I will have my good  and bad days and I am  a work in progress but aren't we all?  I am ok not having the answers anymore.  Sure provided I would enjoy them however, it seems that's not a possibility.  

I had such a fear of letting go.  Letting go of all those things that were comfortable. For example the pain of an old relationship can actually be comfortable and something you don't want to let go of.  Or even a dream you spent your whole life building.  People tell you it's so easy just let go.  Hell no it's not!  I worked so hard on where I was and everything just crumbled in one full sweep like a big earthquake.  Without warning I was standing in the rubble of what was my goals, dreams, possibilities and mistakes.  So what do you do at that moment?  You make a choice.  You can  choose to stay in your comfort zone or you meet your mistakes and dreams head on.  

I have hurt people while discovering my place in the world and for that I am sorry.  You know who you are no need for me to go out and list names.  I never meant to hurt anyone and when I do a piece of me dies inside.  Just know you will forever have a piece of me.  Thank you for being a part of my path.  

For those who have hurt me.  I know it's all about life.  Growing, changing, and making those hard life decisions.  It would be foolish of me to issue and apology in the paragraph above  if I don't forgive those who have hurt me as well.  All is forgiven even if you weren't asking for it.  Never forget I am always here if you need me. 

The mistakes in the past shouldn't continue to haunt our future.  So why do they?  Why is it so difficult to let go.  Simply let the things that are never going to happen go? Because anything you put even a small piece of your heart into changes your life forever.  It becomes part of your soul and letting that go makes it challenging.  That means you are changing and change is terrifying even the good change.  This is an extreme example but maybe this will help clarify my point.  Think of a woman in an abusive relationship.  A lot of women stay and hide what's going on.  When questioned they say because I love him and I know he loves me.  They are afraid of being alone and not being loved by anyone else.  The change is scary for her.  However, it's the good change that is needed.  

I lived in fear of my mistakes and they were like ghosts that followed me around not allowing me to happy.  Making me feel as though I wasn't worthy of affection or anything I had achieved.  The loved ones in my life couldn't figure out why I thought this way and told me exactly the opposite.  The would remind me of  all the positive attributes I have.  But these ghosts were so hauntingly deceptive I just couldn't see past them.  Well if there is anything I have learned by watching Ghostbusters(the original) probably over 400 times you must confront your ghost head on.  That is the only way they will leave you.  But being so comfortable living in the fear I couldn't.  What would that mean for me? I'm so good at hiding behind them. Then that day happened where everything crumbled.  It wasn't a specific day but just the day I realized I can't live like this.  I'm just burrowing deeper and deeper.  I also couldn't even recognize my dreams anymore.  The reasons behind them were not because I loved them but because I wanted to matter.  I wanted my life to matter to as many people as possible.  I wanted my life to be validated.  How ridiculous.  I thought the more people who showed affection the more loved I was.  Turns out a lot of that so called "affection" wasn't genuine at all.  All of this tied together.   Turns out my attitude towards myself was tied to my mistakes, my ghosts and my false idea of my dreams.  What a groundbreaking moment that was for me.  

From that day on I adjusted my focus and started to begin getting rid of my ghosts and began to realize that my own heart is very good!  That I myself am worthy of love and the great things in life .  Finally realizing I don't need validation from anyone but myself.   My life does matter and my role is to help those realize that their lives matter too!  Not sure in what forum I will be able to help those yet(still figuring that out). Im also not exactly clear on where my path is taking me but, so far it continues to get brighter and brighter.  Like I said before I am continually a work in progress but aren't we all?  I'm just glad this stuff didn't come easy for me because the journey does make my life beautiful!

20/20 Vision

I started this Four Years ago and finished in the year of 2017.  

You want me to tell the truth? Really get down to it? It might not be something you want to hear.  In fact I know it wont.  This life is hard, annoying and a pain in the ass.  Even when you choose to see the bright side you still get knocked down.  By hiding away my feelings for what seems like an eternity finally just realized I have to shut a door I thought I had closed.  There is no choice.  I did what I had to do awhile ago not for me but for someone else and now here I am still feeling the way I did back then now. 

I very much wish my life was like a movie with a kickass soundtrack.  There would be second chances and broken hearts would fade quicker than years.  No one would have hangovers unless you are in the movie The Hangover.  But, seriously if you were really hungover good luck getting even a third of the crap done that they did.  Ok…. sorry back to my point.  If our lives were like movies you could see the resolution to a problem down the road.  People would be with who they are supposed to.  People would have more courage to make romantic or grand gestures.  They would say the crap they are supposed to.  That must be heard or your heart will stop beating. You know in reality there is a fear of proclaiming your feelings and not getting the outcome you imagined.

Sometimes it’s ok to remain silent especially if you don’t have the right words.  But, there usually is that window of opportunity to let it all out.  Like (for lack of a better example) in the movie My Best Friends Wedding.  Julia Roberts character is on the boat with the guy she is in love with.  She has the perfect moment to tell him and from fear she clams up and the moment is lost forever.  I feel like my life has been an endless silence of lost moments.  I have always been terrified to discuss my fears and loves and what makes me who I am. For some reason (that I have finally gotten to the bottom of) I came up with this idea that expressing how things made me feel made me appear vulnerable.  So, I built walls up.  Big thick walls that many people tried so hard to break down.  If you don’t feel you can never get hurt. Well that gets someone really far.  You are perceived as cold or heartless when in fact you care so deeply. I want people to feel loved on a daily basis.  To never think they are undeserving of love.  Why should I be any different? Don’t get me wrong I am very tough ok but that doesn’t mean I have no feelings.  It’s just that I hid them away and said oh it’s just me being afraid of commitment.  What does that even mean?  I have commitments everyday and I am not afraid of those.  I have a dog, a job, friends and a very busy schedule.  For someone who is apparently a commitment phobe I have a lot of them.  What am I really afraid of?  That I will meet the wrong man or the right one?  I am good alone and I like it.  I was ready before sorta.  But, now that a door that apparently I kept open has now closed I have nothing holding me back.  So, what if I fail?  It’s ok at least I gave it a shot and probably had some good laughs.  I have always learned from my mistakes and they make for great stories over a glass of wine.

My whole life I have refused to give up on a dream or a goal.  I would always wait for this moment when time would stop and everything would fall into place.  A killer song would play and all the heartache, discipline, blood, sweat and tears would all be worth it. I mean I have always imagined my life as a movie. I need to make it a good one at least!! One I would want to watch.  SIDEBAR:  For those of you who don’t know what kind of girl I am I enjoy horror movies and suspense thrillers and action movies.  So yeah, I guess I wouldn’t really want my life to be like Halloween or Die Hard. But, something so much cooler with less killing.

If one of my best friends can make it through a terrible breakup and not far after even say how excited she is to find a man who will not take her love and time for granted I can get through this.  She is someone who got her heart shattered and her optimism is so beautiful it gives me hope for my own love life. 

Apparently, I wrote this at least four years ago.  I was at that point of what I thought was a mess.  Oh, darling if only you knew then what I know now you weren’t even ready to begin going down that rabbit hole.  The rabbit hole being the blog about “the secret of life.”  It’s funny how we can go back and read things and realize hmm ok she is rather smart.  Not to suggest otherwise of myself however, I just don’t give myself enough credit it seems. 

So, let’s go ahead and cut to about four years, later shall we?  How is my life now?  Did I take my own advice and allow myself to feel?  Do you the reader really care?  If you answered no to any of these questions I guess you should stop reading.  My friend found a man that she fell in love with and married.  They are a wonderful couple and very happy.  I decided after going through some stuff it is time to listen to my own advice.  Maybe there is something out in the world that isn’t going to shatter my soul or heart.  Maybe I would find that one decent man I have been searching for my entire life.  Well, what a Big Dumb Idiot I was to search.  So, I gave up.  I started working on myself. I started to have fun and be comfortable being me.  That was my whole problem with dating in the first place.  I got quiet and would push people away.  OHH I might actually like you yeah I’m gonna go.  Works for me.   If you don’t love yourself how do you expect someone to love you? What a freaking concept.  Bring on the soul searching I said. I looked into my greatest fears and faced them head on.  Then when I wasn’t looking for anyone someone came about. Sometimes the thing you have been searching for has literally been next to you the whole time.  It’s the person who has seen you at your worst and never judged you and the person who has seen you at your best and celebrated with you.  It is the one you are yourself around and they are themselves too.  That is the best kind of relationship.  Commitment phobe no more I say with a smile.  Bring it on Life!  I got this.  

The Secret of Life?

The secret of life? 

It something we all are searching for as we go through our own journey.  I haven’t written in a while because I felt as though I had nothing inspirational to give.  But, maybe in my desperation others will find inspiration.  This is the most real post and the most important journey I can share.  I don’t know if people actually read this but if I can help just one person with my story the pain is worth it. 

When you grow up sickly you learn that you must be strong not for yourself however, for those around you.  I never wanted to be seen as weak or vulnerable. I always believed that vulnerability was the largest sign of weakness.  That if you let your guard down everything will collapse.   I found out later how wrong I was. I have been sick with immunity problems for as long as I can remember.  I have seen hundreds of doctors and specialists.  I never gave up though.  Always knowing that my journey was for a purpose. Growing up I faced a lot of things most people don’t have to and I did with a smile.  That in my opinion is my best attribute. I cannot stay in the darkness long.  I rationalize with myself on why I feel this way.  Cracks me up.  I have been through a lot in my life both good and bad.  With the bad I just would pick up the pieces and keep going.  Put those pieces under the rug so I never had to deal with them.  Too strong to feel too strong to deal with all of it.  Then one day I found myself unable to breathe and everything I swept away was sitting on top of me. 

I don’t know when the break happened but it did.  I broke and I don’t know why but I am shattered.  My insides are hollow waiting for some miracle to electrify them and bring them back to their soulful life.  It’s funny because daily I am the person who consoles and coddles and protects people.  I tell them how amazing they are and how their life means something so much greater than they will ever comprehend.  My words are genuine and filled with so much love.  For everyone.  But I found I had no words for myself. I do now!  I am in no way in a drastic measures kind of a mood so please don’t get me wrong. I am mearly sharing the journey I have been on for several months now.  It’s this journey of selfdiscovery. I realized  I see this raw part of life that a lot of people don’t. I am so tough that I am in tune with people’s feelings.  I care for people so deeply that it consumes me.  It consumes me so much that it’s to the point of tears.  I never want to see people in pain or hurting.  BUT I AM.  That makes no sense.  On the outside to the public I am great, happy successful.  On the inside I am torn, broken and hollow.  I am missing my umph, my way. 

I made a promise to myself many years ago that I would never let anything change me.  That I would stay true to my soul.  How silly! People change people, life changes you, and experiences change you.  You will never be the same.  You do have a choice though how you change.  Don’t let anyone change you into someone you do not recognize.

 Change and grow into a better version of yourself. 

 When you are lost you see two roads.  You see the dark road and you see the light road.  You have to make that active choice to go the opposite direction of the darkness.  It is easy to sink and give up but it is not you!  You make your choice choose the light! Once that choice is made you must continue the journey.  It’s hard and lonely but I promise you will be a better person for it.  I will be and already am.  I hold onto that every time I find I cannot breathe.  I say to myself this is my journey my story I choose my ending!  I choose the direction it goes.

The reason I’m sharing this isn’t for pity or anything like that.  Trust me that’s the last thing I want. It is already taking huge balls for me to post anything about myself like this so yeah.   It is to show those that if you feel like this you are not alone.  You are meant to go through this journey and feel this.  Give it time because this is your life.  There are the ups the downs and the middles.  This is your down part.  You are so much stronger than you think.  I sure am.  I feel raw and lost and confused and finally like my life is headed in a direction.  A direction of my choosing.  I haven’t gone through this alone I got help I have a support system. But, for the first time I am putting my pieces back together! 

I wish I could wrap this up in a pretty little bow like any good Hollywood movie. But I think that’s the secret of life.  The secret I found is that life is messy it doesn’t make sense a lot of the time and it is hard.  But if you truly believe in your inner strength you can get through anything.  Find comfort in Knowing this too shall pass and choosing the right path for you.

I am headed in my right direction I just hope you are too. 

"One man with courage is a Majority." Thomas Jefferson

           A huge topic I would like to talk about is something called courage.   It is something I rarely see and yet I have felt so inspired to express.  The courage to do something that essentially is a risk isn’t found everyday.  You don’t know the outcome and cannot control it once you let go.  I myself am not a risk taker.  I always thought it was easier that way. Was always very controlled but felt like I myself was missing something. It got me thinking about what my mom always would say “how’s that working for ya?”  After awhile my body and soul started to reject the idea of me controlling every aspect of my life.  It was coming from deep inside and I think someone in particular had an influence in that. Someone I know does things to excite her.  She has all these different colors of her soul and shows them.  Just by being around her people seem to have more courage.  She loves hard she plays hard and she works hard.  If things do not work out she deals with it and then moves on to the next thing with the same amount of enthusiasm.  It is rare.  It is beautiful.  It is something I have been working on showing myself.  She isn’t afraid of the outcome because she’s made it through so much already.  I believe that is the definition of courage. 

           People are so scared to believe in something that isn’t guaranteed.  I get it I mean who’s to say your relationships, your career, your faith and beliefs, will actually work out?  The odds are tough in this world.  Things get complicated and we forget how important courage is. But really think about it.  This country was founded on courage.  Standing up for who you are and what you believe in and standing up for what is right.  Even if you feel as though you are standing alone.  At least you stand for something!  Where would we be if everyone just went with the flow?  Didn’t let the colors of their soul make this world a little brighter?  

People are scared to be rejected.  I mean it’s not a good feeling. But it is a way of life.   Rejection doesn’t mean to cower and not try.  If I listened to all the people telling me I cant do something I have no idea where I would be lol but I have a feeling it wouldn’t be amazing. 

          Bottom line is this.  Have the courage everyday to be who you are, feel what you feel, love who you love, and express to those what’s really in your heart.  Only you can really know what’s in there.  You have a choice to bottle it up and let the one get away or take a chance.  You have opportunities everyday to do the right thing.  To stand up for what you really believe in and to make this world more colorful.  The choice my dear is yours.  I cannot force you to have courage but I do know for a fact the world will be a little duller without it.  

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

      In life we find ourselves constantly evolving.  Moving forward, making changes, and living life.  Sometimes, I find it difficult to let go.  I try to hold on to my past I don’t know why but maybe because it’s what’s comfortable.  Change has always frightened me.  Most people don’t know that because I have changed many things about my life many times.  I moved 2,000 miles away from all I knew.  I have picked up the pieces and pushed forward.  There is a difference between picking up the pieces and dealing with things.  It took me 27 years to figure out sweeping things under the rug doesn’t get rid of it.  In fact it causes more of a mess down the road. Harboring all of your emotions because you want to be “tough” is like taking a small dose of poison.  You will eventually have to deal with things and most of the time the damage is done.  All you can do is ask for forgiveness especially from yourself.

  I believe there is a difference between being tough and being strong.  Being tough is about how far you can take a beating whether physical or mental.  You take the abuse and never fire until you explode.  You think asking for help or showing emotion is a sign of weakness.  You must be tough in every aspect because you believe if you show your softer side people will take advantage.  They will exploit you and then you secrets out.  So you have a hardened shell and refuse to feel any emotion.  Showing you have emotions mean you can get a broken heart.  A broken heart means pain and pain is something you would rather live without. 

  Being strong is having the courage to show people your softer side.  When you take a beating you stand up for yourself and be true.  You know your weaknesses and are constantly working on them.  You know people can and most likely will take advantage of your vulnerability but that doesn’t stop you from showing it.  Being strong is showing yourself and others that you feel.  You are not afraid of a broken heart because at least you put your emotions into something.    

  It took me 27 years to realize only you can tear down the walls you have created (or break your hardened shell).  You cannot expect someone else to do it for you.  If you want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with the worst thing you can do is be guarded.  Chances are you’ve had someone in your life that stuck by you and tried so desperately to climb those walls.  But, after so many failed attempts they gave up and moved on.  Now, you finally have to deal with all you swept under the rug.  I think it happens to all of us.  But the difference is the strong person doesn’t let it happen again.

  When you open up your relationships in your life get stronger.  Not just your romantic relationship but all of them (friends and family etc.). You’re not as afraid and you are ready for whatever life throws your way.  It’s hard to explain but once you begin to make changes to be more open it feels like you are traveling to a foreign country alone.  It’s very out of your element and scary.  Don’t run back to comfortable stick with it and you’ll begin feel better and more honest about who you really are.  You are showing the world the real you and after awhile you don’t give a crap what others think of you.  At least you are being honest with yourself and others. 

      

  You cannot change your past you can only learn from it.  So, don’t forget about it just live in the present.  Remember Change is vital.  Sure it’s scary but believe it or not YOU have the strength deep inside to get through anything.