The Secret of Life?

The secret of life? 

It something we all are searching for as we go through our own journey.  I haven’t written in a while because I felt as though I had nothing inspirational to give.  But, maybe in my desperation others will find inspiration.  This is the most real post and the most important journey I can share.  I don’t know if people actually read this but if I can help just one person with my story the pain is worth it. 

When you grow up sickly you learn that you must be strong not for yourself however, for those around you.  I never wanted to be seen as weak or vulnerable. I always believed that vulnerability was the largest sign of weakness.  That if you let your guard down everything will collapse.   I found out later how wrong I was. I have been sick with immunity problems for as long as I can remember.  I have seen hundreds of doctors and specialists.  I never gave up though.  Always knowing that my journey was for a purpose. Growing up I faced a lot of things most people don’t have to and I did with a smile.  That in my opinion is my best attribute. I cannot stay in the darkness long.  I rationalize with myself on why I feel this way.  Cracks me up.  I have been through a lot in my life both good and bad.  With the bad I just would pick up the pieces and keep going.  Put those pieces under the rug so I never had to deal with them.  Too strong to feel too strong to deal with all of it.  Then one day I found myself unable to breathe and everything I swept away was sitting on top of me. 

I don’t know when the break happened but it did.  I broke and I don’t know why but I am shattered.  My insides are hollow waiting for some miracle to electrify them and bring them back to their soulful life.  It’s funny because daily I am the person who consoles and coddles and protects people.  I tell them how amazing they are and how their life means something so much greater than they will ever comprehend.  My words are genuine and filled with so much love.  For everyone.  But I found I had no words for myself. I do now!  I am in no way in a drastic measures kind of a mood so please don’t get me wrong. I am mearly sharing the journey I have been on for several months now.  It’s this journey of selfdiscovery. I realized  I see this raw part of life that a lot of people don’t. I am so tough that I am in tune with people’s feelings.  I care for people so deeply that it consumes me.  It consumes me so much that it’s to the point of tears.  I never want to see people in pain or hurting.  BUT I AM.  That makes no sense.  On the outside to the public I am great, happy successful.  On the inside I am torn, broken and hollow.  I am missing my umph, my way. 

I made a promise to myself many years ago that I would never let anything change me.  That I would stay true to my soul.  How silly! People change people, life changes you, and experiences change you.  You will never be the same.  You do have a choice though how you change.  Don’t let anyone change you into someone you do not recognize.

 Change and grow into a better version of yourself. 

 When you are lost you see two roads.  You see the dark road and you see the light road.  You have to make that active choice to go the opposite direction of the darkness.  It is easy to sink and give up but it is not you!  You make your choice choose the light! Once that choice is made you must continue the journey.  It’s hard and lonely but I promise you will be a better person for it.  I will be and already am.  I hold onto that every time I find I cannot breathe.  I say to myself this is my journey my story I choose my ending!  I choose the direction it goes.

The reason I’m sharing this isn’t for pity or anything like that.  Trust me that’s the last thing I want. It is already taking huge balls for me to post anything about myself like this so yeah.   It is to show those that if you feel like this you are not alone.  You are meant to go through this journey and feel this.  Give it time because this is your life.  There are the ups the downs and the middles.  This is your down part.  You are so much stronger than you think.  I sure am.  I feel raw and lost and confused and finally like my life is headed in a direction.  A direction of my choosing.  I haven’t gone through this alone I got help I have a support system. But, for the first time I am putting my pieces back together! 

I wish I could wrap this up in a pretty little bow like any good Hollywood movie. But I think that’s the secret of life.  The secret I found is that life is messy it doesn’t make sense a lot of the time and it is hard.  But if you truly believe in your inner strength you can get through anything.  Find comfort in Knowing this too shall pass and choosing the right path for you.

I am headed in my right direction I just hope you are too.