20/20 Vision

I started this Four Years ago and finished in the year of 2017.  

You want me to tell the truth? Really get down to it? It might not be something you want to hear.  In fact I know it wont.  This life is hard, annoying and a pain in the ass.  Even when you choose to see the bright side you still get knocked down.  By hiding away my feelings for what seems like an eternity finally just realized I have to shut a door I thought I had closed.  There is no choice.  I did what I had to do awhile ago not for me but for someone else and now here I am still feeling the way I did back then now. 

I very much wish my life was like a movie with a kickass soundtrack.  There would be second chances and broken hearts would fade quicker than years.  No one would have hangovers unless you are in the movie The Hangover.  But, seriously if you were really hungover good luck getting even a third of the crap done that they did.  Ok…. sorry back to my point.  If our lives were like movies you could see the resolution to a problem down the road.  People would be with who they are supposed to.  People would have more courage to make romantic or grand gestures.  They would say the crap they are supposed to.  That must be heard or your heart will stop beating. You know in reality there is a fear of proclaiming your feelings and not getting the outcome you imagined.

Sometimes it’s ok to remain silent especially if you don’t have the right words.  But, there usually is that window of opportunity to let it all out.  Like (for lack of a better example) in the movie My Best Friends Wedding.  Julia Roberts character is on the boat with the guy she is in love with.  She has the perfect moment to tell him and from fear she clams up and the moment is lost forever.  I feel like my life has been an endless silence of lost moments.  I have always been terrified to discuss my fears and loves and what makes me who I am. For some reason (that I have finally gotten to the bottom of) I came up with this idea that expressing how things made me feel made me appear vulnerable.  So, I built walls up.  Big thick walls that many people tried so hard to break down.  If you don’t feel you can never get hurt. Well that gets someone really far.  You are perceived as cold or heartless when in fact you care so deeply. I want people to feel loved on a daily basis.  To never think they are undeserving of love.  Why should I be any different? Don’t get me wrong I am very tough ok but that doesn’t mean I have no feelings.  It’s just that I hid them away and said oh it’s just me being afraid of commitment.  What does that even mean?  I have commitments everyday and I am not afraid of those.  I have a dog, a job, friends and a very busy schedule.  For someone who is apparently a commitment phobe I have a lot of them.  What am I really afraid of?  That I will meet the wrong man or the right one?  I am good alone and I like it.  I was ready before sorta.  But, now that a door that apparently I kept open has now closed I have nothing holding me back.  So, what if I fail?  It’s ok at least I gave it a shot and probably had some good laughs.  I have always learned from my mistakes and they make for great stories over a glass of wine.

My whole life I have refused to give up on a dream or a goal.  I would always wait for this moment when time would stop and everything would fall into place.  A killer song would play and all the heartache, discipline, blood, sweat and tears would all be worth it. I mean I have always imagined my life as a movie. I need to make it a good one at least!! One I would want to watch.  SIDEBAR:  For those of you who don’t know what kind of girl I am I enjoy horror movies and suspense thrillers and action movies.  So yeah, I guess I wouldn’t really want my life to be like Halloween or Die Hard. But, something so much cooler with less killing.

If one of my best friends can make it through a terrible breakup and not far after even say how excited she is to find a man who will not take her love and time for granted I can get through this.  She is someone who got her heart shattered and her optimism is so beautiful it gives me hope for my own love life. 

Apparently, I wrote this at least four years ago.  I was at that point of what I thought was a mess.  Oh, darling if only you knew then what I know now you weren’t even ready to begin going down that rabbit hole.  The rabbit hole being the blog about “the secret of life.”  It’s funny how we can go back and read things and realize hmm ok she is rather smart.  Not to suggest otherwise of myself however, I just don’t give myself enough credit it seems. 

So, let’s go ahead and cut to about four years, later shall we?  How is my life now?  Did I take my own advice and allow myself to feel?  Do you the reader really care?  If you answered no to any of these questions I guess you should stop reading.  My friend found a man that she fell in love with and married.  They are a wonderful couple and very happy.  I decided after going through some stuff it is time to listen to my own advice.  Maybe there is something out in the world that isn’t going to shatter my soul or heart.  Maybe I would find that one decent man I have been searching for my entire life.  Well, what a Big Dumb Idiot I was to search.  So, I gave up.  I started working on myself. I started to have fun and be comfortable being me.  That was my whole problem with dating in the first place.  I got quiet and would push people away.  OHH I might actually like you yeah I’m gonna go.  Works for me.   If you don’t love yourself how do you expect someone to love you? What a freaking concept.  Bring on the soul searching I said. I looked into my greatest fears and faced them head on.  Then when I wasn’t looking for anyone someone came about. Sometimes the thing you have been searching for has literally been next to you the whole time.  It’s the person who has seen you at your worst and never judged you and the person who has seen you at your best and celebrated with you.  It is the one you are yourself around and they are themselves too.  That is the best kind of relationship.  Commitment phobe no more I say with a smile.  Bring it on Life!  I got this.