* This has been something that I had been writing for over a year. Thought for my resolution I would start writing again so here she goes.....
Why do we fear what is inevitable? Everyone fears things that are going to happen anyway for example people fear death. It's going to happen so why are we fearing it instead of living our life?
I feel like I could explode with everything that I have not written down or even tried to communicate lately. As most people know about me I am an introvert with my feelings and an extrovert everywhere else. My private life is mine and I hold it close to me. Well she's about to burst over here so here we go. My life had taken many crazy turns in these months or year since I have last written. It truly is funny where paths can take you even if you have no intentions of going in that direction. Where I left off there was a darkness that I didn't want to give into. I no longer fear that darkness for it will always be a part of me. I am aware that I will have my good and bad days and I am a work in progress but aren't we all? I am ok not having the answers anymore. Sure provided I would enjoy them however, it seems that's not a possibility.
I had such a fear of letting go. Letting go of all those things that were comfortable. For example the pain of an old relationship can actually be comfortable and something you don't want to let go of. Or even a dream you spent your whole life building. People tell you it's so easy just let go. Hell no it's not! I worked so hard on where I was and everything just crumbled in one full sweep like a big earthquake. Without warning I was standing in the rubble of what was my goals, dreams, possibilities and mistakes. So what do you do at that moment? You make a choice. You can choose to stay in your comfort zone or you meet your mistakes and dreams head on.
I have hurt people while discovering my place in the world and for that I am sorry. You know who you are no need for me to go out and list names. I never meant to hurt anyone and when I do a piece of me dies inside. Just know you will forever have a piece of me. Thank you for being a part of my path.
For those who have hurt me. I know it's all about life. Growing, changing, and making those hard life decisions. It would be foolish of me to issue and apology in the paragraph above if I don't forgive those who have hurt me as well. All is forgiven even if you weren't asking for it. Never forget I am always here if you need me.
The mistakes in the past shouldn't continue to haunt our future. So why do they? Why is it so difficult to let go. Simply let the things that are never going to happen go? Because anything you put even a small piece of your heart into changes your life forever. It becomes part of your soul and letting that go makes it challenging. That means you are changing and change is terrifying even the good change. This is an extreme example but maybe this will help clarify my point. Think of a woman in an abusive relationship. A lot of women stay and hide what's going on. When questioned they say because I love him and I know he loves me. They are afraid of being alone and not being loved by anyone else. The change is scary for her. However, it's the good change that is needed.
I lived in fear of my mistakes and they were like ghosts that followed me around not allowing me to happy. Making me feel as though I wasn't worthy of affection or anything I had achieved. The loved ones in my life couldn't figure out why I thought this way and told me exactly the opposite. The would remind me of all the positive attributes I have. But these ghosts were so hauntingly deceptive I just couldn't see past them. Well if there is anything I have learned by watching Ghostbusters(the original) probably over 400 times you must confront your ghost head on. That is the only way they will leave you. But being so comfortable living in the fear I couldn't. What would that mean for me? I'm so good at hiding behind them. Then that day happened where everything crumbled. It wasn't a specific day but just the day I realized I can't live like this. I'm just burrowing deeper and deeper. I also couldn't even recognize my dreams anymore. The reasons behind them were not because I loved them but because I wanted to matter. I wanted my life to matter to as many people as possible. I wanted my life to be validated. How ridiculous. I thought the more people who showed affection the more loved I was. Turns out a lot of that so called "affection" wasn't genuine at all. All of this tied together. Turns out my attitude towards myself was tied to my mistakes, my ghosts and my false idea of my dreams. What a groundbreaking moment that was for me.
From that day on I adjusted my focus and started to begin getting rid of my ghosts and began to realize that my own heart is very good! That I myself am worthy of love and the great things in life . Finally realizing I don't need validation from anyone but myself. My life does matter and my role is to help those realize that their lives matter too! Not sure in what forum I will be able to help those yet(still figuring that out). Im also not exactly clear on where my path is taking me but, so far it continues to get brighter and brighter. Like I said before I am continually a work in progress but aren't we all? I'm just glad this stuff didn't come easy for me because the journey does make my life beautiful!
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